John Miller popped open a beer... he drank a lot it it these days. He was in his 50's, and on personal reflection, haunted by his past. He had a story, many stories in fact. But to tell them, ah, there was the problem. He reasoned if he was famous others would tell the difficult stories for him. But he wasn't famous. In fact, he knew few people anymore. He was an admitted recluse who went dutifully to his job, and back home when the day was done. On weekends he drank, as time went on he got less and less out into nature, a pastime he used to refer to as "his religion".
Over the years John realized he'd made a wish he now regretted. A wish that came true and though lasting for a few years, it disintegrated and eventually slipped through his fingers. It took many years for the dream to disappear, and the more he struggled to hold it the more it seemed to vanish, like a dream upon waking, though there was no awakening for John, who, having once experienced the fruition of his dreams, it might just as well have been sprayed with paraquat and agent orange.
It's a story he can't tell, yet he has no choice. He went from spinning his wheels in his early 20's to entombing himself in cement, alive, having no place else to go. In many ways John imagined himself a vampire, immortal, and alone among humankind... wishing to reach out, but knowing it's too late. They'd recognize him for what he was in an instant.
Oddly, John didn't live alone. He lived with his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend. They lived in an old farmhouse raising their own chickens, hogs, a goat, and cats to keep the rats away. Hi girlfriend was the kind of woman he wished he'd met years earlier. She was attractive, well educated, down-to-earth and over-sexed. He hadn't been able to keep up, and it frustrated her to a rage sometimes. What they did have, and it was more a curse now to John than a blessing, was a close friendship. He'd been her man for 7 years, and then they knew it wouldn't work. Did he move out? No. They were friends and that meant a lot to John. John had actually become close friends with her new boyfriend too. He like John, was something of a recluse, although he was readily able to start up conversations with almost anyone.
John... he became a recluse so he wouldn't snap. The vampire in him had lived thousands of years. Some might call it his soul, saying "he had an old soul". But John didn't have that luxury... to accept that, though deep inside he found it soothing. But it started the mantra - what if...
What if he'd had the strength way back then to hold onto the success he'd achieved? What if he'd been able to hold onto all the work he'd done to realize a dream come true? What if the nights sleeping on his grandparents porch-swing, where he'd sung "Wish Upon a Star...", and fallen asleep, had lasted?
John is damned... a mother's curse... and John knows, that the only way to vanquish the curse is to expose it. It's not magic, these kinds of curses... they play on the mind, and witch-doctors long ago learned the tricks, that feed on people's minds. But just because one knows that a curse isn't real, doesn't mean they're not affected. We know the common cold of flu is a virus, and we get sick, and in a few days, a week, we get better. Curses, well, it depends upon where they come from. And it depends upon why the cursed was cursed?
You might want to study up on the term "reality" for John's truth. Apparently there are those gifted humans who know exactly what reality is. John learned about reality... along with many other interests, the question of reality was foremost, perhaps due in great part to the fact his parents were so different. The simplest explanation for reality is that it is largely subjective. There are solid facts... but in a big way they are connected together through one's own unique take on reality. On a practical level we view reality through our experiences and education. John grew up to question nothing... it was answers that he responded to. At home he was told want to do, at school, he was told to find the answers, and listen to the facts as his teachers told him.
At age 20 John finally rebelled, not in a violent rage, no, no... John realized what he wanted in life... he realized for the first time what "to work" really meant, if what he wanted was to be reached. His teenage years, his childhood, were behind him now. He had work ahead.
At age 20, something about the pot... it helped him focus, opened his mind to all sorts of possibilities, and he realized he had the potential to accomplish his dreams... He just had to learn, see, and believe.
The curse, as it happened was when John was turning 25... but what you're about to experience in the next few posts are John's early 20's. The 1970's... Pipe-dream or Paradise? In the meantime, you might want to brush up on what reality is...
WIKIPEDIA: LINK TO REALITY
To be continued...
March 14, 2010
THE LONGEST ROAD - Part VI - Interview with John Miller by BobKat
A continuation of my interview with John Miller, a fictional person from the 1970's...
BobKat: Last we spoke you'd mentioned getting a job as a custodian at a community college. You said it had a lot to do with a book you'd read at age 8. You smoked marijuana around age 19-20 and that book inspired you. You connected your decision to be a custodian with your use of marijuana and that book. You suggested that sexually you were very naive, that you were in college working towards a Associates degree in electronic technology, but things changed. So the question is, what changed and how?
John Miller: The morning after using marijuana I woke up, a criminal. I'd never been a "criminal" before. What was worse, I laid there in bed wondering why? I didn't have a hang-over, I didn't recall any violent behavior... I remembered laughing... how good it had felt. I woke up at home - still living with my parents. As the next couple of months progressed, as I smoked more marijuana, I began to be aware of myself as a person. It was an extraordinary experience...
BobKat: Okay... I'm beginning to see the dilemma here... what you're suggesting is, as far as you can remember, you woke up with the idea that you'd broken the law and began to experience what some might say were delusions... your delusions involved a sci-fi book you'd read at age 8. Until that time, you were growing up with very conservative values. You'd say right-wing conservative. Correct?
John: Yes
BobKat: You changed?
John: Oh, yeah I changed. By age 20 I'd moved out on my own. I wouldn't have otherwise. I got that room on the 2nd floor of the horse-barn rooming house at the edge of the college. I got the job as a custodian at the Fine Arts Center building. I starting writing again, got into photography, and because I was the evening custodian at the Arts center, I could stay after hours and use the darkroom. I also had free tuition... I took every course of interest to me.
BobKat: You were doing drugs... how do you see yourself as accomplishing anything of value? Playing devil's advocate here.
John: LOL's... for the first time in my life I was aware of myself... and I worked hard. I had a full-time job keeping a large building clean. And safe. I had the keys to every door in the building. I had people who needed help all the time, and I enjoyed helping them... this included getting into their car where they'd locked their keys inside. It was hard work... but what I really enjoyed was the freedom... as long as I got my work done, I could go to my office and write, or socialize. It was the mid 1970's... a time where people were reaching out, a time when men and women were accepting one another; a time of sexual exploration. And exploration of oneself.
BobKat: A lot there, but it sounds like you were where you wanted to be? Were there problems?
John: I was exactly where I wanted to be, and yes, there were problems. The problem was my mother. The one person I'd grown up so dependent on. She freaked out! When she found out I was a custodian at the college she made it clear she was disgraced with me... that she had raised me for more than to clean toilets!!!
BobKat: John wants to stop there. He'll be back, but the problem is, what John did wasn't "cleaning toilets", though that was a part of his job. The issue is, the shame and guilt that came from his family when John took this job... a job that to John was exactly what he'd dreamed of. John also feels, a double-whammy, in that, the anti-cannabis supporters would leap on the band-wagon, and agree with John's mother - marijuana made John a failure in life.
Shame and guilt... next time, digging deeper into the life of a real, fictional person who liked and benefited from the use of marijuana.
John Miller's Fictional Autobiography as told by BobKat...
BobKat: Last we spoke you'd mentioned getting a job as a custodian at a community college. You said it had a lot to do with a book you'd read at age 8. You smoked marijuana around age 19-20 and that book inspired you. You connected your decision to be a custodian with your use of marijuana and that book. You suggested that sexually you were very naive, that you were in college working towards a Associates degree in electronic technology, but things changed. So the question is, what changed and how?
John Miller: The morning after using marijuana I woke up, a criminal. I'd never been a "criminal" before. What was worse, I laid there in bed wondering why? I didn't have a hang-over, I didn't recall any violent behavior... I remembered laughing... how good it had felt. I woke up at home - still living with my parents. As the next couple of months progressed, as I smoked more marijuana, I began to be aware of myself as a person. It was an extraordinary experience...
BobKat: Okay... I'm beginning to see the dilemma here... what you're suggesting is, as far as you can remember, you woke up with the idea that you'd broken the law and began to experience what some might say were delusions... your delusions involved a sci-fi book you'd read at age 8. Until that time, you were growing up with very conservative values. You'd say right-wing conservative. Correct?
John: Yes
BobKat: You changed?
John: Oh, yeah I changed. By age 20 I'd moved out on my own. I wouldn't have otherwise. I got that room on the 2nd floor of the horse-barn rooming house at the edge of the college. I got the job as a custodian at the Fine Arts Center building. I starting writing again, got into photography, and because I was the evening custodian at the Arts center, I could stay after hours and use the darkroom. I also had free tuition... I took every course of interest to me.
BobKat: You were doing drugs... how do you see yourself as accomplishing anything of value? Playing devil's advocate here.
John: LOL's... for the first time in my life I was aware of myself... and I worked hard. I had a full-time job keeping a large building clean. And safe. I had the keys to every door in the building. I had people who needed help all the time, and I enjoyed helping them... this included getting into their car where they'd locked their keys inside. It was hard work... but what I really enjoyed was the freedom... as long as I got my work done, I could go to my office and write, or socialize. It was the mid 1970's... a time where people were reaching out, a time when men and women were accepting one another; a time of sexual exploration. And exploration of oneself.
BobKat: A lot there, but it sounds like you were where you wanted to be? Were there problems?
John: I was exactly where I wanted to be, and yes, there were problems. The problem was my mother. The one person I'd grown up so dependent on. She freaked out! When she found out I was a custodian at the college she made it clear she was disgraced with me... that she had raised me for more than to clean toilets!!!
BobKat: John wants to stop there. He'll be back, but the problem is, what John did wasn't "cleaning toilets", though that was a part of his job. The issue is, the shame and guilt that came from his family when John took this job... a job that to John was exactly what he'd dreamed of. John also feels, a double-whammy, in that, the anti-cannabis supporters would leap on the band-wagon, and agree with John's mother - marijuana made John a failure in life.
Shame and guilt... next time, digging deeper into the life of a real, fictional person who liked and benefited from the use of marijuana.
John Miller's Fictional Autobiography as told by BobKat...
March 13, 2010
THE LONGEST ROAD - Part V - Interview with John Miller by BobKat
John Miller admitted to me, he was at an impasse. Even fictional characters have limits... so he asked me to interview him. Q&A.
BobKat: John will start this interview.
John: Thanks. ah... I was very fortunate growing up... I had challenges though, in speech, attention, and so on. My mother and father were the best. As a child I still remember my mother scratching my back, me in her lap. Things change - so much influences us everyday.
I was picked on a lot as a kid.It was the 1950's-60's, so that's not news. Fact is my parent did everything they could for me. During middle school especially, they had to intervene in problems with bullies at schools. At the time school counselors favored the "stand up to them and fight back", which would then get you into the principal's office, and maybe the nurse's office. The one jewel I found among all those years in MS and HS, is a statement my school counselor made to me one day... "it will end when you graduate, hang in there".
BobKat: So did you hang in there John?
John: I did. I graduated with a C average, a yearbook full of best wishes, and at least the idea that I was becoming an adult. I survived the bullying, algebra, band and puberty.
BobKat: Sorry, you said "puberty"?
John: Yeah...Yeah... except for a girl when I was in 8th grade, I didn't date. I liked girls, but couldn't bring myself to relate with them. I made a few attempts to get their attention, a date, The boys getting the dates were bulls - playing the game I knew nothing about. I was a nerd. I was too shy.
BobKat: You were that shy?
John: I was shy; but I also knew nothing about sex; and second, my mother had advocated against contact with females. Mostly I excelled at solitary hobbies... reading, electronics and science, but marginal at best elsewhere. Although as a child I liked writing and drawing, by 14 that was history. By age 14 I'd abandoned my artistic interest, and went hunting and fishing instead. My parents sent me to "youth-camp" for three years... so around age 13 - 15, it was during the second year camping in our tent one early evening with a full moon outside, a fellow camper did a shadow scene of a man having sex with a woman on the tent wall for all to see. I found it to be repulsive, recall why would that happen?.
BobKat: A lot to put together here. From what I know about you then you were quite conservative, and didn't question authority or your view of reality?
John: Correct.
BobKat: So what changed? What happened that you have this story you feel is important to share?
John: What changed? I got high on marijuana.
BobKat: You did what's termed - "use of illegal drugs". Weren't you quite opposed to illegal drugs? Once you almost called the police because you found out your sister used drugs? Without going into the reason you did this, which you've already written about, in what way did this smoking pot change you?
John: After HS graduation I was expected to go to college. I understand that. And I did... I majored in Electrical Technology... but avoided the math the first year and took two semesters of physics... biology, chemistry... math was looming, and I'm bad at math. I was around 19 when I was with my two friends and we smoked pot for the first time. I already recounted how for the first time in my life I freely laughed. My mind became the universe, and I could see into it. Not an hallucination, but rather insight, self-awareness.
BobKat: That's great, your first year courses. Physics is a tough science.
John: yes. And thanks to a friend in class we spent hours on the phone doing our homework.
BobKat: Wow... were you aiming towards teaching or engineering?
John: Neither. I was going to college, like I was suppose to do.
BobKat: Oh.You don't think that you could have excelled in the electronic technology field?
John: No.
BobKat: You said your experience with marijuana changed things?
John: Yes. Within a few short weeks I realized I was an artist. I started writing, walking in the woods again, something I hadn't done for a few years. Only this time I wasn't hunting. I was communing with nature. I gained an interest in plants and medicinal properties. I became the early 1970's guru of herbs. This was well before Celestial Seasonings Herb Teas went on the market. And I was always writing.
I had the idea in my mind originating from a sci-fi book I'd read when I was 8, that I wanted a job among "the scientists". The only way to do that at age 19-20 was to get a job at the local college. After the effects of the cannabis settled in over a period of a few weeks, I got up the nerve to apply for a custodian position. I figured my odds of getting the job was next to nil. But it happened, as if by magic. What was the best part was that I got the job for the 3 - 11 shift at the Fine Arts Center building of the college.
To Be Continued...
BobKat: John will start this interview.
John: Thanks. ah... I was very fortunate growing up... I had challenges though, in speech, attention, and so on. My mother and father were the best. As a child I still remember my mother scratching my back, me in her lap. Things change - so much influences us everyday.
I was picked on a lot as a kid.It was the 1950's-60's, so that's not news. Fact is my parent did everything they could for me. During middle school especially, they had to intervene in problems with bullies at schools. At the time school counselors favored the "stand up to them and fight back", which would then get you into the principal's office, and maybe the nurse's office. The one jewel I found among all those years in MS and HS, is a statement my school counselor made to me one day... "it will end when you graduate, hang in there".
BobKat: So did you hang in there John?
John: I did. I graduated with a C average, a yearbook full of best wishes, and at least the idea that I was becoming an adult. I survived the bullying, algebra, band and puberty.
BobKat: Sorry, you said "puberty"?
John: Yeah...Yeah... except for a girl when I was in 8th grade, I didn't date. I liked girls, but couldn't bring myself to relate with them. I made a few attempts to get their attention, a date, The boys getting the dates were bulls - playing the game I knew nothing about. I was a nerd. I was too shy.
BobKat: You were that shy?
John: I was shy; but I also knew nothing about sex; and second, my mother had advocated against contact with females. Mostly I excelled at solitary hobbies... reading, electronics and science, but marginal at best elsewhere. Although as a child I liked writing and drawing, by 14 that was history. By age 14 I'd abandoned my artistic interest, and went hunting and fishing instead. My parents sent me to "youth-camp" for three years... so around age 13 - 15, it was during the second year camping in our tent one early evening with a full moon outside, a fellow camper did a shadow scene of a man having sex with a woman on the tent wall for all to see. I found it to be repulsive, recall why would that happen?.
BobKat: A lot to put together here. From what I know about you then you were quite conservative, and didn't question authority or your view of reality?
John: Correct.
BobKat: So what changed? What happened that you have this story you feel is important to share?
John: What changed? I got high on marijuana.
BobKat: You did what's termed - "use of illegal drugs". Weren't you quite opposed to illegal drugs? Once you almost called the police because you found out your sister used drugs? Without going into the reason you did this, which you've already written about, in what way did this smoking pot change you?
John: After HS graduation I was expected to go to college. I understand that. And I did... I majored in Electrical Technology... but avoided the math the first year and took two semesters of physics... biology, chemistry... math was looming, and I'm bad at math. I was around 19 when I was with my two friends and we smoked pot for the first time. I already recounted how for the first time in my life I freely laughed. My mind became the universe, and I could see into it. Not an hallucination, but rather insight, self-awareness.
BobKat: That's great, your first year courses. Physics is a tough science.
John: yes. And thanks to a friend in class we spent hours on the phone doing our homework.
BobKat: Wow... were you aiming towards teaching or engineering?
John: Neither. I was going to college, like I was suppose to do.
BobKat: Oh.You don't think that you could have excelled in the electronic technology field?
John: No.
BobKat: You said your experience with marijuana changed things?
John: Yes. Within a few short weeks I realized I was an artist. I started writing, walking in the woods again, something I hadn't done for a few years. Only this time I wasn't hunting. I was communing with nature. I gained an interest in plants and medicinal properties. I became the early 1970's guru of herbs. This was well before Celestial Seasonings Herb Teas went on the market. And I was always writing.
I had the idea in my mind originating from a sci-fi book I'd read when I was 8, that I wanted a job among "the scientists". The only way to do that at age 19-20 was to get a job at the local college. After the effects of the cannabis settled in over a period of a few weeks, I got up the nerve to apply for a custodian position. I figured my odds of getting the job was next to nil. But it happened, as if by magic. What was the best part was that I got the job for the 3 - 11 shift at the Fine Arts Center building of the college.
To Be Continued...
March 10, 2010
NH HOUSE VOTES 214 TO 137 TO DECRIMINALIZE POSSESSION OF (less than 1/4 oz) MARIJUANA
Massachusetts has already decriminalized small amounts of cannabis, as a result of a landmark peoples vote. So far no problems, and I don't expect many. A few, yes, but not many. The question now is whether the NH Senate will vote rationally. Governor John Lynch doesn't want any of it - he's vowed to veto any bill legalizing cannabis. Why? His option, his principles... but I doubt he has cats, and if he does I doubt he gives them catnip now and then. Herb free cats and people, that's Gov. Lynch.
I'm very glad and content that I never voted for Gov. J. Lynch... I can't wait to vote against him if he runs again, which considering his general popularity now, he might want to simply resign. Maybe he'll look beyond his own shadows and see the light, one can only hope!
Ironically Gov. Lynch argues, decriminalizing marijuana undermines parents efforts to keep kids off drugs. While at the same time, the governor is pushing to expand availability of the drug - alcohol, and the lottery or "games of chance" and reap more financial gains from tobacco sales.
Well, my reply to Gov. Lynch is: this isn't about kids... this is about adults... and there are many brilliant people out here whose lives are derailed, not by their use of drugs like marijuana, but rather, because of the extraordinarily strict and crippling laws against it's use.
Progress on RDA - Rational Drug Awareness, is always welcome news. Too bad there are governors and other lawmakers who lack basic RDA skills.
214 to 137... Wow! My thank-you to the Representatives who voted Yes...
Get the story from the Concord (NH) Monitor Newspaper here at these links:
March 10, 2010 - "NH House Vote Decriminalizes Pot"
March 11, 2010 - "Marijuana Bill Secures Wide Margin"
I'm very glad and content that I never voted for Gov. J. Lynch... I can't wait to vote against him if he runs again, which considering his general popularity now, he might want to simply resign. Maybe he'll look beyond his own shadows and see the light, one can only hope!
Ironically Gov. Lynch argues, decriminalizing marijuana undermines parents efforts to keep kids off drugs. While at the same time, the governor is pushing to expand availability of the drug - alcohol, and the lottery or "games of chance" and reap more financial gains from tobacco sales.
Well, my reply to Gov. Lynch is: this isn't about kids... this is about adults... and there are many brilliant people out here whose lives are derailed, not by their use of drugs like marijuana, but rather, because of the extraordinarily strict and crippling laws against it's use.
Progress on RDA - Rational Drug Awareness, is always welcome news. Too bad there are governors and other lawmakers who lack basic RDA skills.
214 to 137... Wow! My thank-you to the Representatives who voted Yes...
Get the story from the Concord (NH) Monitor Newspaper here at these links:
March 10, 2010 - "NH House Vote Decriminalizes Pot"
March 11, 2010 - "Marijuana Bill Secures Wide Margin"
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