THE HUMAN CONDITION - INTRODUCTION

40 years I've considered this topic... lived it, as we all do. It's an ambitious topic for me, as it is subjective, yet I have a lot of objective experience to draw from, experience that's had an effect on me and my psyche.

Some of the topics within The Human Condition I wish to approach, include: "self-image", "sexuality", "gender identity", "mental health issues", "suicide", "career decisions", "acceptance and rejection", "bullying - both as a victim and as an offender", "physical and/or psychological abuse", "fatigue", "ecstasy - 'the feeling', not the drug", and "drugs", of course - "both illicit and licit ones and the general effects of their use on the person, and the empirical extension of use into society".

An enormous goal on my part, but one that I have studied and researched for 40 years. A subject I can't help but be fascinated by, drawn into, and at times obsessed with.The "human condition is our life, and our death. We follow our fiddler within and it takes us places. Some of these places are bland and boring, like a job where one works but watches the clock day after day, waiting to be released, while other jobs, the time goes too quickly, and one can't wait for the next day. Some of these places are like dreams, perhaps exotic and euphoric, or perhaps life-threatening, and for some, what started out as a routine day ends either in tragedy or a near death experience.

We fall in love, we fall out... we are wrapped in the embrace of those we are in love with one day, and exiled the next. We are conscious of it all, even if, we succumb to hard drugs to forget, or casual ones that either help us cope, or those which help us to become more immersed in the experience.

A daunting task for me to pursue... one which I feel is vital and essential do undertake. One that begins with ME, my experiences, and builds from there.

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Wikipedia has the following link to "the Human Condition: The human condition encompasses the experiences of being human in a social, cultural, and personal context. It can be described as the irreducible part of humanity that is inherent and not connected to gender, race, class, etc. -- a search for purpose, sense of curiosity, the inevitability of isolation, fear of death, etc.". The page is a bit crude by Wiki standards... but it gets me going in a direction, starting with Existentialism - This from Wikipedia: "Existentialism is a term applied to the work of a number of philosophers since the 19th century who, despite large differences in their positions,[1][2] generally focused on the condition of human existence, and an individual's emotions, actions, responsibilities, and thoughts, or the meaning or purpose of life.[3][4] Existential philosophers often focused more on what they believed was subjective, such as beliefs and religion, or human states, feelings, and emotions, such as freedom, pain, guilt, and regret, as opposed to analyzing objective knowledge, language, or science."

That link brought back some memories... from my early 20's... when I began to question the world I found myself in. Until that time, I didn't question things in quite the same way.

I didn't question the Human Condition... for the first 17 - 19 years of my life. I questioned survival, and being a voracious reader, I questioned fiction and fantasy about space travel, aliens, other worlds, future space wars, being in love, with a alien female, finding a partner, a female partner, love, devotion, a world different from what I lived everyday for all those years.

I got into my first fight with another boy around age 4, about the same time my mother let me cross our not so busy street to the other side. It's so mind-blowing today, remembering how at 4 I crossed the road, to what was a side lawn to a house, met my nemesis, Michael, fro a block away, roughly my age, and he beat me up.

Why?

Why not?

It's not why... it just was. At that age, those things just happen. The human condition, which over time evolves.

I got glasses around age 6, had bad allergies that swelled my eyes shut. I wasn't good at baseball or football... though in our extended neighborhood of kids my age, we formed both; we played at a corner of the elementary school property, and I became their 3RD baseman - for our Yankee's team. I remember being thankful I wasn't the pitcher... since pitchers can get hit by the ball. I wasn't good at catching those balls that came my way, nor batting. I just didn't get it. My mind told me to be the best, to become popular and successful, but that same mind was off in fantasy land - aliens, other worlds, growing up.

I was the underdog, small for my age up through 11th grade in HS. My family moved during 5TH grade, to a smaller, more prominent town. The first day in school, 5TH grade I was standing in the hallway waiting to get into homeroom with everyone else, when a jerk walked by and kicked my feet out from under me. My ass hit the floor with a thud, hurt like hell.

I didn't make any friends, all through middle school into high school. I suffered much in the way of bullies. Spoke often to counselors at the school, and to my parents who helped the best they could. I loved my reading and science classes... a bully in among ever mix.

Somehow I survived.I graduated age 18, but didn't attend graduation. My next stop was college, not to be questioned, however I had no idea what to enroll in, other than electrical technology, because I liked experimenting with electronics, and chemistry. So I enrolled in a BS of Electrical Technology and switched to liberal arts, after I discovered an interest in writing, and my imagination awakened.

I have a sister a year and a half younger than me. At age 4 to 7 I hung out with her and her friends Ann and Julie. We sang "Row, Row, Row your boat...", played Simon Says, and Hop Scotch... caught grasshoppers in a field next to a neighbors house. I went to kindergarten for the first time, remember trouble tying my shoes, getting along with others, and while laying down for nap-time, the teacher who was very heavy walked over me so I could see up her skirt. Now why would that even attract my attention - at 5 years old, why would the crotch of a women even interest me. But I remember that, and little else.

Around age 7 my mother forbid me to hang out with my sister... I was to hang out with boys my age, so she fixed me up, and things moved on from there to where that fixed-up friendship didn't last long but I found male friends in the extended neighborhood, which is where being a Yankees 3Rd baseman came to be.

After moving, although I was often treated as the underdog among my friends in my birth neighborhood, rather than find friends at my new school, I took the bus on weekends and visited my old friends, staying with my grand-parents.

I didn't get it, any of it. I did have a childhood, and it wasn't marred by any sexual abuse; thank God! But what haunts me is I had very little self-awareness. I had a lot of imagination, and and company, but going into puberty, I can recall having no idea of where I was, while other boys my age knew a lot about where they were... they followed their libido, scored, and were getting married as I graduated high school.

So what was the meaning of life? I really didn't know, and really I didn't care. I liked girls, but had no social skills. I enrolled in college because that was what I was suppose to do. I got a job at a department store, and although i worked hard, I don't recall any recognition of my work. In fact after the 2nd year I got laid off Christmas Eve... rehired a year later.

The "Human Condition" I lived with was getting me nowhere... although while working at the department store I began to flirt, began to reach out to women and even a couple male friends. One girl I really liked I got a date with her... we ended up parking down off the road next to a college park... we began some heavy make-out, only to be interrupted by the police, that tapped on my car windshield, ending my first sexual encounter. Causing much embarrassment. We didn't have a second date.

A friend at the store had a cousin who I started to see. I don't recall that we ever did much... I remember often, visiting her at her house, her parents would disappear, and I would lay on top of her, on the couch kissing - closed mouthed, me trying to get a feel of her breasts beneath her shirt or sweater. She would not french-kiss or let me see her naked because she'd gone that far before with a past guy, and he'd dumped her. That convinced her she'd been wrong in the past to provide erotic pleasures. The relationship lasted about 3 years, going nowhere. What a waste... but that is the Human Condition.

Meanwhile, my parents were eager for me to get married, have children, get a good job and live the American Dream. Eager in the sense my phone rang daily and I was asked, "are you married yet, and why not?"

Next time: Friedrich Nietzsche, and my introduction to the Human Condition.