I don't know about other authors, but writing a fictional autobiography is not at all a piece of cake! It's difficult to write about one's past, even with a fictional license which I discussed in Part 1 of this blog post.
I'm 60 now and what I'm writing about happened starting 40 years ago. There's a widely held belief that the past is the past and should be forgotten. Think about that... live your life forgetting it as it passes. Everyday, a new day, a new beginning. A fresh start with yesterday and anything good or bad forgotten.
Sounds to me like the philosophy of a lunatic.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but one of the many turning points in my life was when my mentor Doug turned me onto a book by Benjamin Lee Whorf, "The Hopi Language" (it can be found in my Favorite Media List for year and publisher).
Many of us, at least here in the US believe without question that one's reality is based upon the past, present and future. That's pretty simplistic on it's face, but very significant when locating one's current present position in Life. With a past, one is being rewarded for successes, admonished for failures and losses. By "forgetting one's past" what's meant is forgetting one's failures and losses and celebrating until we die our victories. Wonderful in bizarre sort of way, however highly unrealistic. It in essence elevates those who are currently living success filled lives, and feeling contempt for those with stories of woe and misery and failure. All just another part of a society that believes in a simple duality - black and white, good and bad, with nothing as gray and complicated.
What I found out when I read Benjamin Whorf's book about the Hopi Language was that reality is not that simple. The Hopi society lived a much different reality, and everything they did and believed in was based on a duality of another kind. Reality to the Hopi was the past and present as one... with the future now and forever becoming existence until death.
This simple difference put me into a conundrum years ago. It meant that reality was created in the minds of a society, that the definition of reality could vary as it was not a fixed and concrete thing. It meant that who I am right now encompasses all that has transpired in my past until now. My future was based on mastering myself in the present so as to work towards the best possible future.
The problem with understanding this epiphany and once understood having no way to go back is I now found myself at odds with the society I lived in. How often have I heard it said, "forget the past", yet how often have I also heard that to "forget the past means to repeat it?"
At 60 repeating my past isn't such a bad idea... IF, I could change it which I can't. My past is me right now... my future depends on mastering the now. Where others can look at the past as ended, pick and choose what to remember, and remember as if it's just a memory, I can't do that. It's not that I ascribe to the Hopi philosophy; it's much more the fact that for me it makes sense... who am I if not the sum total of my past?
Interpretation of one's past is an obstacle to master. All too often we heard, you are being "to hard on yourself" or "not caring enough".
I've always wanted to be a writer, of novels and books and stories. 40 years ago that was my motivation. I was a writer. I lived as a writer. I adopted the reality. I wrote all the time and all the time I was working as a custodian in that college I was writing, even if only in my head. Often I could be found at one of the many study room tables with vending machines writing, or in the college cafeteria, writing. My motivation was all the science-fiction and fantasy I was raised on, and the sudden knowledge of writers like Henry Miller to solidify my ambitions.
On the adversarial side of things was my mother for whom writing was a joke - maybe a hobby, but to seriously consider oneself a writer was fantasy, especially for someone like myself for which she had greater ambitions, and writing was a waste of my life and her time as my mother. This is something I should forget, that I should have ignored. I can't and I didn't, and that in part makes me who I am today.
Being a writer meant being open-minded. It meant living the life - the life of living and gaining understanding into what living life was all about. I had felt very confused about religion, and I had found Virginia, whom I wrote about previously, who was my other mentor years ago. I never said, but she described herself as a White Witch, and she taught me about magic, that it does exist, but at a cost. But then much is not free... much costs us something.
I learned that sex is not immoral, that it is natural, and it is natural to love another, or many others. I learned that love is not a fixed feeling... that marriage is great as an ideal if two people sincerely are that much in love and beneficial to each other, but that to get married because that's what society expects is contrary to the whole idea of what marriage is. I sincerely hoped to find my soul-mate like so many others do, and I'm sure I did, but I can add failures there to my past and it makes me who I am.
I can recount all the sex I had starting 40 years ago, and after realizing I've had sex with over 60 women I can see that as a success, especially as I was in love with each of those women. For some this is not something to be proud of or to feel good about. To some this cannot be the result of a loving relationship, but rather the conquests of a male putting notches in his belt. It doesn't matter in this case what others think, it's what I think.
Not that being alone and very single today helps me face the future knowing it wasn't always like that. There was a lot that happened and believing in magic opens one to even more blessings and chaos. Suffice to say, like many others out there my life has been very difficult - a lot of compromise, success and failure.
There are perhaps a couple more parts to this topic. As can be seen in the screen capture image that follows I am a writer... and despite a following of only 10 persons, a success. What makes me a success is my view of reality, and the fact that my past is still vitally important. In the next two parts I hope to show how important sex was in my life. I also hope to show that although I may feel hopeless now, my future is very much going to be created based on where I am now and where I've been.
As a writer I am happy to celebrate the fact that BobKat's Lair has achieved 50,000 page views! Please take note of the top 5 most popular posts:
I'm 60 now and what I'm writing about happened starting 40 years ago. There's a widely held belief that the past is the past and should be forgotten. Think about that... live your life forgetting it as it passes. Everyday, a new day, a new beginning. A fresh start with yesterday and anything good or bad forgotten.
Sounds to me like the philosophy of a lunatic.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but one of the many turning points in my life was when my mentor Doug turned me onto a book by Benjamin Lee Whorf, "The Hopi Language" (it can be found in my Favorite Media List for year and publisher).
Many of us, at least here in the US believe without question that one's reality is based upon the past, present and future. That's pretty simplistic on it's face, but very significant when locating one's current present position in Life. With a past, one is being rewarded for successes, admonished for failures and losses. By "forgetting one's past" what's meant is forgetting one's failures and losses and celebrating until we die our victories. Wonderful in bizarre sort of way, however highly unrealistic. It in essence elevates those who are currently living success filled lives, and feeling contempt for those with stories of woe and misery and failure. All just another part of a society that believes in a simple duality - black and white, good and bad, with nothing as gray and complicated.
What I found out when I read Benjamin Whorf's book about the Hopi Language was that reality is not that simple. The Hopi society lived a much different reality, and everything they did and believed in was based on a duality of another kind. Reality to the Hopi was the past and present as one... with the future now and forever becoming existence until death.
This simple difference put me into a conundrum years ago. It meant that reality was created in the minds of a society, that the definition of reality could vary as it was not a fixed and concrete thing. It meant that who I am right now encompasses all that has transpired in my past until now. My future was based on mastering myself in the present so as to work towards the best possible future.
The problem with understanding this epiphany and once understood having no way to go back is I now found myself at odds with the society I lived in. How often have I heard it said, "forget the past", yet how often have I also heard that to "forget the past means to repeat it?"
At 60 repeating my past isn't such a bad idea... IF, I could change it which I can't. My past is me right now... my future depends on mastering the now. Where others can look at the past as ended, pick and choose what to remember, and remember as if it's just a memory, I can't do that. It's not that I ascribe to the Hopi philosophy; it's much more the fact that for me it makes sense... who am I if not the sum total of my past?
Interpretation of one's past is an obstacle to master. All too often we heard, you are being "to hard on yourself" or "not caring enough".
I've always wanted to be a writer, of novels and books and stories. 40 years ago that was my motivation. I was a writer. I lived as a writer. I adopted the reality. I wrote all the time and all the time I was working as a custodian in that college I was writing, even if only in my head. Often I could be found at one of the many study room tables with vending machines writing, or in the college cafeteria, writing. My motivation was all the science-fiction and fantasy I was raised on, and the sudden knowledge of writers like Henry Miller to solidify my ambitions.
On the adversarial side of things was my mother for whom writing was a joke - maybe a hobby, but to seriously consider oneself a writer was fantasy, especially for someone like myself for which she had greater ambitions, and writing was a waste of my life and her time as my mother. This is something I should forget, that I should have ignored. I can't and I didn't, and that in part makes me who I am today.
Being a writer meant being open-minded. It meant living the life - the life of living and gaining understanding into what living life was all about. I had felt very confused about religion, and I had found Virginia, whom I wrote about previously, who was my other mentor years ago. I never said, but she described herself as a White Witch, and she taught me about magic, that it does exist, but at a cost. But then much is not free... much costs us something.
I learned that sex is not immoral, that it is natural, and it is natural to love another, or many others. I learned that love is not a fixed feeling... that marriage is great as an ideal if two people sincerely are that much in love and beneficial to each other, but that to get married because that's what society expects is contrary to the whole idea of what marriage is. I sincerely hoped to find my soul-mate like so many others do, and I'm sure I did, but I can add failures there to my past and it makes me who I am.
I can recount all the sex I had starting 40 years ago, and after realizing I've had sex with over 60 women I can see that as a success, especially as I was in love with each of those women. For some this is not something to be proud of or to feel good about. To some this cannot be the result of a loving relationship, but rather the conquests of a male putting notches in his belt. It doesn't matter in this case what others think, it's what I think.
Not that being alone and very single today helps me face the future knowing it wasn't always like that. There was a lot that happened and believing in magic opens one to even more blessings and chaos. Suffice to say, like many others out there my life has been very difficult - a lot of compromise, success and failure.
There are perhaps a couple more parts to this topic. As can be seen in the screen capture image that follows I am a writer... and despite a following of only 10 persons, a success. What makes me a success is my view of reality, and the fact that my past is still vitally important. In the next two parts I hope to show how important sex was in my life. I also hope to show that although I may feel hopeless now, my future is very much going to be created based on where I am now and where I've been.
As a writer I am happy to celebrate the fact that BobKat's Lair has achieved 50,000 page views! Please take note of the top 5 most popular posts:
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