MY LIFE AND TIMES... THE WORLD OF SEX - PART TWO

To me, human sexuality, mating, and the games people play are interesting. I was raised having to attend church, and sex certainly wasn't a subject being taught or preached, except in the Puritanical sense. I caught on rather fast; sex was taboo.

In high school where in the late 1960's we were taught about sex in health class, for one semester, the sex act was described in the showing of drawing of male and female genitalia. And from there it was all downhill, about pregnancy, STD's, and other harms. Although I suspect half my senior class had been fucking like rabbits since the 7th grade, I was a virgin, and I thought I was proud of it.

I should say this is not going to be an X-rated post, R, yes. Actually NR.

Yes I was still a virgin graduating HS, having had one girlfriend for a whole week, in 8th grade.

Well there was that one time, but we didn't have sex. My sister, a year and a half younger than myself, had a male friend named Mack, who was a big guy, toned, who lived with his uncle in a mobile home outside of town. Through my sister I found Mack to be a good friend.

One night I stopped by, a senior in HS, to have a few beers. There was a woman present, sitting on the couch. A little older than me, long dark hair and brown eyes. She wasn't overweight nor slender.

Mack, said, "she's yours, if you're interested".

I fought back my panic and my hormones kicked in. I looked at her and I asked, like I remember, hell, all I know is the next thing I'm naked next to her in a bedroom, and I think, no I know it was the most memorable one nighter I've ever had. We kissed and fondled each other, at one point Mack stuck his arm through the door and while handing me a condom, said, "thought you might need a first aid kit".

But I didn't use it... sex was taboo. All I remember other than kissing her was when I got home my lips were still sizzling. How ironic I could have been the poster child for Abstinence Education back then but nobody had thought of the idea or otherwise asked.

From there I went to flirting with the attractive older women at the department store I worked at. I flirted with some my age too, in fact, story of my life,  one of my childhood friends had already had sex with one of the cutest babes that worked at the store - yes, I believe him, and he said she loves sex, she's easy.

I asked her out and she said yes. We went out for dinner, which according to my friend had been unnecessary, but we did, and then we drove out of town to park off the road, on the dirt, at a college park. At first I felt we had to talk... until she said, "isn't there something you'd rather be doing than talking?"

After a long pause, the crickets telling me something, I finally leaned over and kissed her. Within seconds we were undressing each other. I had her shirt off. bra off and I was in the act of sucking her nipples when there was a loud knock on the car's window. "Police!"

Busted, but not really, we got dressed and had to drive away and I was so embarrassed and clueless I didn't think to go elsewhere. We never talked again.

I did however find a girlfriend, which will end this part of the post.

At the same job a co-worker gave me his sister's number. Said she'd love to find a guy and he already fixed it up, I just have to call.

I did. Her name was Denise. We met and it was love at first sight... long brown hair, slender, brown eyes... we did all manner of things, and always returned to her house, ended up on her couch where we kissed and I could feel her breasts outside her shirt. She kissed closed lip. I wanted to french kiss, nope, won't happen she implied. Apparently the guy just prior to me, let's say they french kissed and he dumped her, so she wouldn't let me french kiss her.

Now I'm somewhere between 17 and 20 years old then. A virgin. Not a sworn to abstinence. No such thing back then anyways. And we were in love and so far what frustrated me was french kissing and feeling her breasts under her shirt.

It never happened and she's unmarried as am I to this day.

Tear!

No, I lost my virginity in a state park. With 5 childhood friends we rented a large cabin and settled in for a few days. Now to understand the dynamics there were those of my friends who had no problem talking to the girls and going off with them. They could also drink, alcohol and a lot of it. One friend, William, was as naive as I was. That first night we left the party happening and wandered back to the cabin. Up came a dog, and a woman followed...

Then another woman. We all looked at each other, the dog came back, one of the women picked it up. William started talking first to the woman closet to him, I to the woman closet to me who wasn't holding the dog. I said, "we have a cabin up the road, would you like some Orial cookies?"

She said, "sure". The other woman lured William back down to the house as I walked up the road holding hands with the woman whom I don't even know if I ever asked her her name.

She was quite drunk, on Black Velvet, and often fell into me. The cabin was empty when we got to it - fortunate. She wore a tank top and jeans, and as we got into bed her breasts rolled from the tank top. We had the best sex ever, considering I didn't even know who she was.

When we finished I didn't walk her home... we kissed good-night and when she left I washed my penis in the community spigot. I had worn a condom, but I really believed what I was taught. Sex was taboo.

The lasting memory is the feel of her body, her breasts and the smell of Black Velvet.

"Wow, sure", I said, more quietly than I felt at the moment, and suddenly in two seconds I was surging with arousal. "Come in", I said.

"Why do men need sex?" she asked. I didn't know how to answer her. So I didn't. I offered her a beer. She said she had some beers at her apartment, would I like to come over. I said, "sure, thanks".

We had a beer, talked and gradually removed our clothes until we were in our underwear - it was Winter so we had had layers on. From there it was on to her bedroom where we got totally naked and had totally great sex - I had asked her prior to the sex, "are you using birth-control?"

She said, "yes".

They didn't have college degrees for abstinence back then or for sex education either... this was college in the 1970's and the only good course being taught was "Human Sexuality, by a psychology professor which I had taken and found very interesting and useful. Otherwise having sex was something I learned right out from the box, from experience.

We both climaxed together, me naked inside of her, and as we laid closely together, that's when she leaned out from the bed, fished around underneath her bed, then she found and pulled her diaphragm  out from under her bed, with it's anti-sperm gel. She said, "we need to insert this".

I don't know why... but this upset me. I didn't want to blame her, but I didn't want to blame myself either. Instead I did nothing. I dressed and walked back to my apartment and never saw her again. Just another potentially good relationship that didn't happen because I was bull-headed and confused. Seemed to happen a lot for many sorts of reasons.

The fact is I do really love women. It goes way back to my early childhood. I was the first-born, my sister came into the world a year and a half later. She was 3 and a half when I was five. By age four to five she had grown a lot. So when I was 7, and she five an a half... she had friends... actually we all did in that quaint, small town neighborhood that reminds me of "Leave It To Beaver". From early on all I seemed to do make acquaintances. I knew nothing about making friends, other than I began to hang out more with my sister and two other girls in the neighborhood.

No this story does not spiral out of control in an epilog about cross-dressing and playing doctor - though the latter we may have tried once, or twice.

Childhood really does last forever. Which is why adults need to ensure it is a very good childhood.

MY LIFE AND TIMES... THE WORLD OF SEX - PART ONE

I've actually wanted to write about this topic for years; a confessional of sorts about myself. Though we writers have a name for this, called, "Autobiographical Fiction", it's fiction as real as if it really did happen, but written in a way that it didn't.

The question some people might have is why? Why would we feel the need to do that? Why not just tell it like it is? Good question, but I didn't invent this genre. It's almost always written in first person mode, The author as the main character, living or re-living their fictional existence, telling their story.

When a famous person writes a biography, that's great. We expect the truth, a non-fictional truth. However, an author or writer wanting to tell their own story, that's tricky. It's one thing to have a world leader tell about his victories, conquests and his harem of women slaves, it's yet another for a guy to write a book admitting to sleeping with his brother's wife for the past 10 years, having been the father to two of his brother's four children. So the writer, rather than destroy himself writing the truth, sets the affair in another place and time, under different circumstances.

Part of the reason is that the story inherits the magic of fiction. The writer is still bound by telling their story, however with license to iclude fiction the story can take on a bigger than life existence. To label something non-fiction is to endorse it as the truth and who wants to write something that's akin to a legal document; that "...on the night of such and such at 9:01 PM exactly", this happened?

Writers are people too. We don't always keep exact notes and proof of such and such. Without proof how do we prove that something sworn as true in a book is actually true, and who the hell cares really, unless we're reading a First Lady's Biography.

Myself? I know and have memories of life events, but to put them into a form that makes the timing and exact details legally binding as non-fiction is fantasy. I can't do it. So writers devised this method of writing about the truth, making it believable, without having to proclaim it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Also, there is often more to the truth than what non-fiction allows. There are the writers perceptions, hopes, fears, dreams.

I met a young woman today, we talked and she told me about how she climbs mountains, hikes in Alaska and other remote territories, para-glides, and yet she's afraid of flying, riding a bike or motorcycle. She's actually witnessed several tragic deaths, a plane crash, hikers falling off from mountains - "...all so quietly they died", she said.

My life, your life - it happens. There's no stopping it until death; we alone are the only person aware of it while it, our life happens. That's the key part to understanding what's called the Human Condition. It's inescapable. As Jim Morrison of The Doors said, "No one gets out of here alive". Scary stuff! But fortunately there is a lot to occupy our lives during our time here on earth.

Like books...

Of the many authors, books I've read in my life, I've been the most influenced by those written by Henry Miller, 1891 - 1980. When it comes to relationships and sex between a man and woman, life in the 1920 and 30's, life in general, perseverance, love, agony, survival and controversy, although his personality was admittedly machismo, he possessed a very kind-heart and a very humane side, a sensitive side.

Henry Valentine Miller - Author

The idea of being an author always fascinated me and motivated me. Yes, I am a writer, but to be an author one must write a short-story or novel. Journalists, for example, are writers, until they publish a book and then they too become authors. To be an author is a victory, an achievement, though much easier to come by than being, a famous painter or sculptor, in my opinion

Most of us really wants to be somebody. To be loved, to love. To have companionship, and a partner, and friends. My recent topic about Dabrowski's Theory highlights to me that it is possible, to be yourself in a relationship and in life. That is also what Henry Miller presents, the real world and a hero that lives it all himself, accepting everything that comes his way.

LIFE, DREAMS AND FAIRY TALES - A REVIEW OF LIFE AND ABC TV'S, "ONCE UPON A TIME"

Who do you think you are?

That question is what's called a "million dollar question". It's worth that as there are a million or more answers and a million or more ways to even understand the question

I could ask that question in a quizzical way, in the form of scolding, as a teacher, as a philosopher, as a writer, as a scholar...

Who do I think I am? It depends upon when you ask and why you are asking?

I've run the gamut being asked that question, under a lot of guises and with many an answer. It wasn't always the right answer or the expected one.

What I though would be interesting is to ask myself that question now. The guise is curiosity, a desire to share, and my love for fantasy.

I think I'm pretty young, though I generally feel like crap. I think I'm a writer, although all I write is this blog, e-mails, and articles for work. I think I am confused, often. I think that's a part of being human. I also think I may not be confused for much longer.

I am 60 years old. That means nothing to me. Death means nothing to me either other than it's inevitable, but since I can't stop it, there's no reason to try. More important things to do.

I think I am a shaman, a wizard, in fact I know I am. If that sounds odd, it shouldn't. We are all someone, and how odd we are someone from within a fairytale.

Magic comes with a price... I'm paying it. But magic does not have to be costly... nor marvelous. Just helping someone across the street can be magical. It's an action that helps others - the magic being you did it. The cost, you altered time.

I don't know how many of you out there have watched ABC's "Once Upon A Time"? I stumbled upon it trying to find another title on NetFlix I had been watching that was similar. I'm in the third season and there's a forth on it's way: ABC TV LINK: "ONCE UPON A TIME".

Sorry, no pictures from me. I would love to show some of my favorite scenes, but TV studious tend to be sensitive about posting such things, which if linked back to them I can't see a problem with it, but not taking the risk.

ABC's "ONCE UPON A TIME".

Like many shows this one gave me a slow, hesitant start. The other fantasy show I'd been watching was darker, with more action and believable characters. In "Once Upon A Time" the characters were more make-believe, the story line more contrived, and predictable.

Partly by Season Two the story began to take off... the characters became more believable and the action more interesting.

Essentially what we have is a town called "Story Brook". All the characters in it were put there from a cure by the evil queen. Originally no one remembered who they were previously, in the enchanted forest from whence thy came. The story line follows the characters in Story Brook, and a child who was sent back before the curse who finds the hidden town and becomes sheriff. Eventually the curse is altered and the citizens regain their memories, some sooner than that.

Flashbacks occur where one is in Story Brook one minute and living in the enchanted forest the next. Much is said about magic.

My review is not about the entire story which I'm still watching, it's about life. It's a show I like to watch because I like myth, magic and fairy-tales.

After watching such a show if you were to ask me, who do I think I am, I would answer, Rumpelstiltskin. By far my favorite character of the show the one I identify with the most. There is a Prince Charming, and a Snow White, an Evil Queen, a few Fairies, a Giant, Dwarves,  a Capt. Hook, Peter Pan, Red Riding Hood and Robin Hood... many more.

But my favorite character as I said is Rumpelstiltskin. Weaving straw into gold, of course, but finding true love, casting spells, being both evil and loved. He's called the "Dark One" too, now where have I heard that said before?

I believe our world still possesses magic and plenty of myth to stimulate us. I also see where we are being told or there are those among us trying to tell us we are all one. One mind, one road, one way to think.

The next time you meet someone interesting, but a bit odd, ask them, curiously, who do they think they are?

Rumpelstiltskin - Once upon A Time - ABC TV

THE KAZIMIERZ DABROWSKI THEORY OF POSITIVE DISINTEGRATION AND POSITIVE INTEGRATION - PART TWO - Conclusion

Edited Sept. 27, 2014:

I believe to understand the theory of Positive Disintegration (see my two previous posts for links, The Introduction and Part 1), one must create a foundation, what some might call a myth. Theory evolved from myths. Myths were what inspired humankind to dream and learn new things. Things that went far beyond simple replication.

There aren't any "role-models" that I know of that have survived Positive Disintegration to become Positively Integrated. For that reason I can only provide my experiences. That's not to say any role-models died or perished, from disintegration, no. It's just no one has come out and said, "I survived Positive Disintegration; I am now have a Positive Integrated personality; what do you want to know?"

So I'm coming out saying, I've experienced it, the whole nine yards and after much difficult work over the years I have a rudimentary Positively Integrated personality. I also have PTSD and the two don't get along. That aside for now...

In 1974 I began what I now understand was my Positive Disintegration. I can't tell you when it began to happen, how it felt at the time. I can't provide you with a way to do it. Dabrowski's theory suggests that it can't begin in childhood. He may be correct, however I think there are traits present; mild autism perhaps, breaks the rules, experiments, argumentative, takes things apart, a loner, picked on in school, reads a lot, draws pictures often. These are but a few traits that come to mind.

At the time, as much as I read and studied, the Dabrowski Theory was nothing I'd ever heard of. There were plenty of alternative theories which I used to my advantage, so called Self-Help" books, and oddly books like "The Teachings of Don Juan", by Carlos Castenada. I had a hunger to understand religion around age 18, raised Zion Covenant we had to complete Confirmation. A 3 year after school education taking up several months, Friday's.

I'll tell you the thing that turned me off to religion and I was - I have no idea how old I was. It was a Sunday and I was in Sunday School. Our teacher was an older man, with long sideburns which is all I can remember, and tall. I have no idea what the topic was, whether I abruptly asked a poignant, off-topic question, but the subject must have been Genesis as I recall talking about dinosaurs.

I asked, " if dinosaurs were millions of years ago, how could Genesis have taken place a thousand years ago?"

I could tell the teacher wasn't thrilled with my question. He swallowed, murmured, cleared his throat and replied, "dinosaurs existed during the darkness before creation."

The switch in my brain went "click". Dinosaurs existed before Creation??? I didn't think so. If "God created the heavens and the earth..." how could dinosaurs exist pre-creation? I realized then that religion was a hoax and something made up and not based on truth or reality. 

But the whole idea of religion, something I had to endure until I was 18, confused me to the point of anguish and hunger for more knowledge. It was still a mystery to me why it was taken so seriously? And like I said I read a lot. At 18 I was enrolled at the Community College, all quite by the book. So far I was playing the part of the the oldest son.

A year and a half later all that changed. I had been majoring in electrical engineering. Half of the worst part, two semesters of physics were over, complete and I got C's. Good enough for me. Starring me in the face was a semester of math. Calculus I recall. I was close to graduated, but far from it and I changed.

I lived at home, tried to follow the rules (that kept changing) and had a part-time job at a department store nights. I drove an '89 Ford Mustang, dark blue, with a 289ci V8. Chrome alloy wheels and a 3 speed. Yes, "I was living the good life", rising up into the ranks. But it wasn't me, and I sensed it.

I only needed a catalyst to find my true self... something that at the time I had no idea it existed. There's something to be said about the smugness and hold of being raised in a stable, American family. Everything seems so well-organized and predictable. It's Erikson's theory, the 8 steps - the linear movement through society until one get's old and we die. 

I suppose some things are meant to be repeated, and for my followers, my apology; and for my new readers, for both, my Positive Disintegration began in earnest quite by accident.

It was a warm, summer night in August when I met with my childhood buddy and we walked through the suburbs to get to another childhood buddies house. I was probably 19 and 1/2. What we had planned I don't recall. But Fate had something in mind for us and me especially; marijuana.

This was 1974. The 1960's had turned America in a new direction. The hippie movement was everywhere. Not all good. But a lot positive. There was Viet Nam, the War, something we were all very unhappy about, and for myself, back then we had a federal draft, and a lottery. I drew the short straw which meant when I turned 18 I was going to the war. The first miracle was due to my birth-date being in September, I witnessed a miracle - the draft was ended August 31, 1974, days shy of my birth-day.

There was no such thing as DARE (Drug Enforcement Resistance Education) then. NORML hadn't been invented yet but while in high school we had been subjected to good old-fashioned anti-"drug" abuse education. It consisted of scaring us half to death with stories of moral and physical decay for those who used marijuana which created a stepping stone to heroin use and death. Simple message. No DARE, no NORML, no DEA... yet despite that, myself and my peers had grown-up to be very anti-drug. So consider the horror I felt when my good friend offers us some Panama Red cannabis???

We both got past our shared horror and indulged. We laughed our asses off, something that only occurs with early users, by the way. Meditative thought quickly follows, along with "dimensional shifts of consciousness" - which are hard to describe but which have nothing at all to do with the experience of drunkenness. Similar to rebooting a computer, the DS is called a "rush" and it envelopes your mind and body into an orgasmic shift where the past falls away and you're reborn. Older users experience a lessening of DS but an increase in insight and a mellow mood, relief from pain which isn't "pain-relief" but rather more tolerance to pain.

That aside. The experience changed my life and opened my eyes to a great big world, and not some drug-inspired world as I'd imagined. I was really opened up to how infinite and beautiful our world really is. Which also opened me up to the atrocities... thank god for the ability to blog today, which we didn't have back then!

What I accomplished, in 1974 and over the next 4 years was phenomenal. I got a full-time job as a custodian at the college, working in the Fine Arts Center... I had free tuition and took every course imaginable. I met and made a lot of friends, had many lovers.

The only two problems were how difficult it was to become an integrated personality without a map or theory, and familial culture and mores. I violated most rules my parents believed, something I've written about previously. Yes, one of my parents took it particularly hard and did everything possible to steer me onto "The One Road". My other parent was actually encouraging, albeit, powerless against the one with the strict ideological theories. Theories I ignored for the most part except for this annoying "bee" that buzzed me with regularity.

Add to that having my heart broken many times, close friends committing suicide, friends dying from alcohol or car accidents and what began as a very positive future rather quickly degraded into, what I now know was negative disintegration. That was late June of 1978. I lost most of what I'd attained during those 4 years, in the 10 years that followed. I was 35 - 40 before I found an equilibrium, and between then and 50 I found a balance in life and survived. I did okay.

Around turning 50 I took a downward spin. It began with a ten day stay in the hospital with acute pneumonia. Afterwards things changed. Things I remember less about than I do between 35 - 50.

It was only just before turning 60 I was shown Dabrowski's theory. I'm still studying it. It's deep.

To me it explains a lot, and for others out there I post this hoping it will help you too.