RITE OF PASSAGE - PART FOUR - SHOCKING REVELATIONS

My "Rite of Passage". No ceremony. At age 19 I packed up was remained mine and on a warm rainy night I said good-bye to my parents and moved into my own apartment, and on what I thought was a new road, my road in life. I couldn't have been more mistaken.The "excitement" was just beginning. The adventure, discoveries, knowledge I was about to experience were far beyond anything I could have dreamed or imagined.It was the mid-1970's... the hippies were gone, and no name ever was invented to describe their benefactors - Me and My Generation.

We were different, and as it turned out - hippies didn't just disappear into a legend born of the 60's, they evolved. After all, "WE", grew up and became aware during our teenage years of the hippie movement. Free love, equality, peace, self-awareness, freedom, and oddly enough, patriotism, as in we lived through the Viet Nam war... seeing the tragedy, hearing the shouts of those opposed. WE expected to join the war as it was the kind of war that seemed without end. We were all affected, either through personal tragedy or fear.

Yet, WE continued to believe in the principles that created our country, and although we mis-trusted politicians, we believed that truth would be the victor, and it almost was, when Jimmy Carter was elected President. But our hopes, our work at equality, our dreams were destroyed by the 1980's... the introduction of disco - of the real "ME" generation.

WE were second generation hippies, for all practical purposes. We continued to carry the torch. We felt we learned a lot from generation one. What we hadn't learned, or didn't see coming was the tenacity of the moral majority to see to it that change did not happen. Ah, the moral majority, a myth perhaps. "They'd" prefer to be called the status quo, the "way it is". That if you don't conform, or you don't accept the "rules of engagement in conservative society", you are not one with society.

Many of us held out as long as we could... pushing for truth, justice and liberty for all". We couldn't take credit for ending the Viet Nam War, that was generation one's accomplishment. But we could take free love, the establishment, inner exploration of who we were, and other controversial subjects like nuclear power and the rights of women and minorities to new levels.

And where was I in the midst of all this? Ironically, this shy, conservative, lonely kid who'd been either the underdog or the victim of bullies for years found himself in the forefront of the WE generation.

Based on a book I'd received at age 8, "R is for Rocket" by Ray Bradbury, and many other books after that, I realized after moving out on my own that what i really wanted to do was "get inside". One and 1/2 years of college was not working out... and I knew it. It was an extension of HS and I hated HS. I quit college and decided that what I wanted was to work on "the inside", in a support capacity, at the heart of the educational community. And how could I accomplish that? By getting a job as a custodian at the college. I vowed to apply, and visit the college everyday if need be to get the job. But I didn't have to. I got the job within the month of moving out. Not only did I get the job, but the job was set at the Fine Arts Center. 3PM to 11PM M-F.

If there was a chance of buying into the idea that there is a God, it would have been then that the fact would have been obvious to me. The job was a dream come true, which for many they might find that difficult to comprehend as I cleaned toilets, mopped floors, and essentially was responsible for washing the old building top down.

It was a humble job, with good pay and excellent benefits. I thought my family would be proud of me. I at least thought they would respect the fact that I was working, and not just working, but a full-time employee of a community college.

No such luck!!! Almost immediately my mother made it clear that I was a disgrace to the family, that I going nowhere, that I was someone no one could like.

Amazingly, I took it in stride... sure, it hurt, bad, but I wasn't living home anymore. It was my life. And it's what I wanted.

In the next post I will describe why... but I'll conclude now with the following:

What happened, what my life became, what I aspired towards:

IT wasn't All About Sex!

IT wasn't about any one thing, nor was "my motivation" a deal with the Devil, as some have suggested.

IT wasn't about "being a disgrace to my mother"!

IT wasn't about a "lack of motivation".

IT wasn't about "Drugs".

IT wasn't about "Rebellion".

IT was about being free and living my life and becoming someone. IT was about letting go of the past and moving on. IT was to find happiness and my true love. IT was about finding and embracing me. IT was about helping others!

To be continued...

Happy Christmas!!!

RITE OF PASSAGE - Part Three - NO CEREMONY

SEX!!!

Most of what I remember revolved around sex. It came on for me around age 15... but I didn't begin to "feel" it until around 16. By 18 I was entering my fevered stage... what is commonly called blue balls. It's no joke. It's real.

Meantime, I'm at that age where I've lived with my parents in what we call "home" for 18 years. I graduated High School. In 1972 I could legally drink alcohol and that's what I did. I had a job, was to start college in the fall, even had a girlfriend. And a car. Ideas, hidden dreams, germinating mind-plants sown by thousands of books, and running free as a child exploring everything and everywhere.

I'd survived! I was an adult. Now what???

At age 18 I can honestly say there was absolutely nothing concrete within my grasp - there were only memories of having done most of what was expected of me. I didn't question the "Grand Scheme" of things. I would go to college, get a professional job, get married, buy a house, have kids, be successful. Simple.

So why did I feel nothing?

The reality was I didn't fit... I had no future; I was at a nexus, the past an image of learning, struggling, being bullied. I hadn't even gone to graduation. The whole idea of the event made me anxious... I felt little connection to anyone in my graduating class, and the rehearsal was something from a horror show, the black guy on stage describing how marijuana led him to heroin, and in a stand-off with police he'd swallowed a dozen hypodermic needles used to inject the drug. Then they had Elmo (real name), our school custodian come on-stage, I think simply to thank him for his years of work, and my classmates booed him off the stage - a freakin' janitor, afterall.

Boo, hiss, asshole...

Too much to take... it seemed wrong, the whole show.

I did my college, 1 and 1/2 years of it... worked my job, did what I could to party on the weekends. But it was a no go...

College didn't inspire me. My girlfriend, when I saw her it was at her parents house, always on her couch, fully clothed, making out with closed lips, able to feel her breasts beneath her multiple sweaters... And that was it.Conditions at home worsened as my mother tried harder to impose rules and regulations. Despite their rule that if it was legal I could do it, I had to hide my beer in my room. I liked one beer after work nights. Legal to buy it, had to sneak it in the house, shut myself in my room at night to drink it.

Around age 19 my friends and I, 4 of us, went camping in a state park... we all shared renting a cabin. It was a popular park, lots of people camping. The idea for my friend Bill, and I was to lose our virginity. My other two friends already had. They found it easy to pick-up women in the park. Bill and I not so easy. And it had looked liked we'd failed once again as we walked back to our cabin around 9PM.

A small dog suddenly ran up the into the road, followed by her owner, a reasonably attractive women wearing a halter top. Another woman followed. My friend and i started talking to them... to the one in the halter top I could only think to ask, "I have Oreo cookies at the cabin, would you like some?" She smiled and said "yes"... my friend went off with the other woman. I took my friend to our cabin... remember the strong scent of whiskey on her breath, how her full breast fell out from under the halter top as she laid in my cot. And afterwards... she walked home on her own, because although I'd worn a condom, HS had filled me with gross fears of VD and I was outside washing myself in lots of cold water and soap.

Afterwards I returned home to the same old, to my girlfriend who laid under me on her couch like a cold, closed clam... and in my mind the seeds of discontent were growing...

To be continued...

RITE OF PASSAGE - PART TWO - "Why Are You Rebelling"

On the heels of a previous post, I've had a chance to reflect and write about why we are here, now?

A fellow blogger, commented to a previous post that one's religion or faith would influence their  response to my post. While I believe that is true, I do think it goes much deeper, would even suggest that like physics, there are laws to the origin, current status and the destiny of humankind. Fortunately us humans like to break laws, or find them unjust or ineffective, or worst, more harmful that any crime the law is meant to correct.

An example, and back to Rite of Passage, books banned over time. Naturally this became a issue after the printing press was created. The history of publishing companies would be interesting, something I already know a lot about.

Around age 20, living on my own and working full-time as a custodian at the local college, the Fine Arts Center, in fact, I was profoundly confused; about sex. My upbringing strongly sheltered and directed my thoughts on the subject. One benefit from working at a community college was after hour access to professors, in a friendly manner, and the fact we worked for the same company - I belonged.

I made two great friends during the 3 years I worked at the job. Both were English professors, bot uniquely opposite each other. In this installment let's look at prof. Doug. A tall, lean guy with gray hair; He'd been teaching many years... He knew his books. When I broke down and asked him about sex, he replied, "I remember Henry Miller wrote an excellent book on the subject - "The 'Land of Fuck' or something like that". Couldn't be the title of the book, no way. But something in the book?

I found my answer in his trilogy, "The Rosy Crucifixion", "Sexus, Plexus, Nexus". (See my media list).

What I also found was that if this had been prior to 1962, my reading these books would have been a criminal act. Much like cannabis (marijuana) has been for the past 70+ years. These books, many that today we consider to be the finest literature, were banned, against the law. They were published mostly in France, some in Britain, and sold in paper bags on street corners in the US. People went to jail for having or producing these books. That really struck a key, given my fondness for cannabis at the time.

I found my answer to sex, and it was so simple, but it did take time. It all came down to women are people too. One could have sex as friends, consensual and intimate. Women it turned out liked sex too. Of course at my age then, men needed it more than women... it's complicated.

When I finally did find my sexual self, I found listening to a woman, really listening, was key. And then, I would simply ask, "would you like to have sex?" The answer wasn't always yes. And the most desired not interested. Or so i had thought. A story for another day.

I found intimacy was simply a a level of behavior that "macho man" didn't grasp at all. I also discovered, Human beings relate in mysterious ways. Once I gained confidence in myself, I found women asking me out. Between 21 and 24 I was loving life... with a few exceptions.

Most notably, family. My father often asked me "why was I rebelling?" To which I never had an answer since I didn't feel that I was rebelling. Yet I knew, what he was asking was, "why are you not conforming to what we expect you to do?" The odd thing was, my father encouraged my newfound self, my mother, can't say that she did. In fact, I made her very unhappy, and she made no bones about it. My phone rang daily for several years, then slowed down a bit. The family dinners i went to on Sundays became more hostile. I made the mistake only once bringing my girlfriend with me to the family Sunday dinner, and my mother embarrassed me... afterall, in the 1970's the woman I was with was considered a "slut". My father was proud. My mother was disgraced. To further offend her, was my job as a custodian at the college. To me a dream come true. To my mother, shame and a sense of utter failure as a parent.

To say that my feelings and sense of wellbeing was torn, is an understatement. My father encouraged me, my mother was the saddest person on the planet.

Another advantage of working at the college was free counseling with a registered therapist. I took advantage of the benefit. It provided incentive to research the human condition. I always was a voracious reader... but now I found reading to be necessary for survival.

To Be Continued...

RITE OF PASSAGE - PART ONE - INTRODUCTION

It's taken me awhile to get used to blogging, and to find a way back to the person I was when I loved to write. I'm not there yet, completely, and never will be... I'm 56 now, not 18. A lot has changed and a lot remains the same.

This topic is dedicated toward young adults age 18 - 25 in America. It is directed towards all adults... Parents, Generations X Y and Z... and especially those adults who are in a position to "influence and direct" the minds of young adults as they go through that critical transformation from child to adult.

I was 18 years of age in 1972. The era of the hippie was over. The Viet Nam War ended August 31, 1972 - that is as far as the draft is concerned. The war actually extended into a few more years after that. But to me, the long war had ended. A very unpopular war. A war that influenced me pretty much from 1964 to 1972.

And then came the victims... I was just entering the work-force... and "In The News" were Viet Nam Vets entering the work force. Somehow the fact that the war was so controvercial and unpopular spilled over to onto Viet Nam Veterans. I think it is historically tragic and something not to be forgotten, that the veteran at that time was in many ways considered a co-conspirator, a government puppet who voluntarily involved himself and herself in an "unjust war", a war that was "wrong".

These veterans ages 18 - 25 found themselves returning home to an atmosphere of hostility, changes, radicalism, and hostile feelings towards the government they served. It created the momentum for what came to be when I turned 18 in Sept. of 1972. It needs to be clarified these veterans I refer to were returning all though the latter 1960's... their influence on me were at the time a laser inscribed feeling of doubt, about our government. And fact was, I didn't question authority nor our government my whole life as a child and teenager. I was a conformist all the way. But by age 18, my feelings and concerns began to undergo change.

I graduated HS at age 18 right on schedule. The following fall 1972 I found myself in the local community college pursuing a Associates Degree in Electrical Technology (an Associate of Science degree). I loved electronics - still do, and at the time since I had to chose a major, electronics was it. Problem was - I was bad at math, but to sidestep that issue I began my courses with those not involving math, or at least, not dedicated to math. They included physics, of which I completed two semester of it, basic low voltage electrical design and basics. I really don't remember much from that time except physics. It was way out there, but fortunately a security guard who worked at the same dept store I worked at, who was in my physics class , well, we worked together, and I remember spending hours on the phone at night with him working together to solve our assignments.

The key to all of this, what I've just written, is to understand this was me, prior to my Rite of Passage. At the time I was ultra-conservative, conformist and I didn't question much. I truly believed the world had order, logical order, especially our own country. I went from HS to College because i had to. It was expected I would. I didn't however join our church after three years of Confirmation Courses. I grew up in a Protestant, Zion Covenant  Church - going most Sundays to Church. My mother controlled that aspect of my life. My father wasn't into organized religion - he rarely went to church with my mother, and us children. That fact set up an interesting dichotomy within our family. Why did my sister and I have to go to church when my father didn't?

Choice!!!

Freedom of...

By age 18 I was ready to move out on my own, but I didn't. I worked at a chain dept store... part-time. I went to college during the day. I lived home. I knew it felt good that public school was over. It took at least a year for that to be realized. But between age 18 through 20 or 21, my future was pretty much undefined.

It should be noted I was a voracious reader growing up... and quite inquisitive. I had microscopes, chemistry sets, electronic design and radio kits, and books - lots of books, mostly sci-fi... and mysteries...

I felt unconfortable in my chosen college curriculum of electrical tech - as much as I liked sciences, it didn't feel like me. But I had no way of knowing why. So until the Fall of 1974 I lived home, went to college and worked part-time. Had a girlfriend with hardly any intimacy, nor do I remember ever doing anything with her - we met through her cousin I worked with. I think that was during 1972, and lasted until 1974.

A side piece: I had this 1968 Ford Mustang at the time, something that in the annuls of history on Earth represents a major victory and a most unique opportunity. The 1968 Mustang at the time was one of the best motor cars out there, albeit, it was the runt of the litter. For a "runt", it was quite the car!

I bought the Mustang in 1971 with a bank loan.  It had a 3-spd standard transmission, and torque the likes we can't begin to imagine today. The Mustang's 289ci-V8 engine was one of the smallest, high performance engines out there. Loved that car. I did have frequent problems with the car, meaning the FORD slogan at the time fit in well with my enjoyment: FORD - "Fix or repair daily".

I used to take that Mustang off-road, down class 5 roads... into the snow... as it was unlikely with snow tires that one would get stuck... and although simply rear-wheel drive, the combination of horse-power and torque available from that 289-V8 engine could easily provide the power to dig out of the worst conditions.

More on this car in the next post.

At age 18 it should be remembered I could legally go to a bar or store and buy alcohol. Which I did; however, one problem - I couldn't drink much. Over two beers max I'd get sick. I couldn't tolerate alcohol well, unlike my friends who could easily drink 1 -2 six packs each, whenever.They often drove the roads in NY state drunk with beer, looking for girls looking to get picked up. They found them... me... I would often try to compete with my friends and remain on location throwing up! We liked our weekend camping.

Between age 18 and 21 I was pretty much a lemur... I had friends but had no place to "fit in". I went to college, and otherwise was a loner working in a room in my attic on electronics or chemistry. My isolation deepened when i found I couldn't compete with my friends. When I found myself questioning why was I in college getting this degree? I really didn't want to be in college. I wanted time.

The following comes with a warning: Within Christian theology is the story of Adam and Eve. In the story a woman, Eve, is influenced by a snake to eat of the one fruit that God has forbade them to eat. Eating of such fruit, describing the experience may be offensive to some... so please do not continue beyond this point if you feel uncomfortable with graphic depictions of actual events.

NEXT: Rite of Passage: Why Are You Rebelling?...